Dead Men Tell No Parodies
by Agent047
Summary: My parody of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.
1. Ye Olde Prologue

**You guys, I'm back! Here it is, the FIFTH installment in my Parody of the Caribbean series. It may be slow going here, but my brother and I have loads of fun stuff planned for this, so without further ado... Dead Men Tell No Parodies.**

* * *

 **Ye Olde Prologue**

 _Henry is in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean at night. We infer correctly that he is the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, but we are about to learn that we've been calling him by the wrong name for ten years. Henry ties a rope around his ankle. The other end of the rope is tied to a giant rock. He manhandles the rock over the side of the rowboat and it sinks, pulling him overboard and towards the bottom of the ocean._

 _Just when Henry starts to think his brilliant plan has backfired, the rock lands on the deck of a ship. It's the Flying Dutchman, and she pops up to the surface, where Henry can breathe again. A person appears in the shadows. I think we all know who it is._

Henry: Dad? Is that you?

 _Bingo. It's Will Turner, our favorite un-dead pirate captain. He steps out of the shadows with his sword drawn, then sees his son standing on the deck._

Will: Oh, hey, William.

Henry: Uh… My name is Henry.

Will: Sorry. I knew that. It's just so hard to get used to after I spent ten years assuming you'd be named William.

Henry: Whatever, dad. And why do you have your sword?

Will: Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else.

 _He puts the sword away._

Henry: Who else would nearly drown themselves on purpose just to see you?

 _Awkward pause._

Henry: That came out wrong. You know what I meant. Anyway, Mom says hi.

Will: Uh... great. Speaking of your mother, does she know you're out here after dark? I thought we'd talked about implementing a curfew.

Henry: Yeah, but isn't that more of a guideline than an actual rule?

Will: No, that one's definitely a rule.

Henry: But I really wanted to find you!

Will: And now you have. Mission accomplished. Now it's time for you to leave.

Henry: If I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't even want me here.

Will: I don't want you here.

Henry: Ouch, dad. That's a bit… _heartless_ … don't you think?

 _The crew are hidden in the shadows and such, but Will can still hear the snickers. He hates that joke. Will shouts at nobody in particular._

Will: That wasn't funny the first time, and it's not getting any funnier!

 _Will composes himself._

Will: Look, son. The _Flying Dutchman_ isn't exactly a kid-friendly place. We've got poker night four times a week, a cigar lounge, and if it's after 5:00, none of these guys are wearing pants. It's just everybody running around in boxer shorts.

Henry: Even Grandpa?

Will: Especially Grandpa. You'd better go home to your mother before it's too late.

Henry: Too late? What will happen if I stay?

Will: Probably whatever bad thing this ominous mood lighting is hinting at. I don't know. I'm stuck here for eternity, but you can still escape.

Henry: But I think I can break the curse! I read about a really powerful treasure, the Trident of Poseidon. It has all sorts of magical powers.

Will: That's just a made-up story.

 _We've heard that before, in reference to things like the curse on Barbossa's crew, Will's epic bachelor party, the Flying Dutchman and the dead man's chest, and the Fountain of Youth, to name a few._

Henry: Like the stories about you and Jack Sparrow? Because it sounds to me like he might be just the person to help me find the Trident.

Will: Jack Sparrow is literally the worst. Stay away from that guy or he'll turn you into a pirate.

Henry: Is that how you became a pirate?

Will: Uh, no, that had more to do with your mom. And I really wanted to stick it to this guy Norrington. But forget piracy. I think it's best if you find a hobby other than sailing. Like blacksmithing! That could be cool. You'd get to make swords and light fixtures and things. Doesn't that sound fun?

Henry: You're being really embarrassing.

Will: Fine then. Nice to see you, but it's time to go.

 _The Flying Dutchman starts to sink. Will chops the rope off Henry's foot, freeing him from the rock. The rock rolls across the deck._

Random Crew Member: Hey, Captain, what should I do with this rock?

Will: Just put it with the others.

 _The Random Crew Member does so accordingly._

Will: Oh, I almost forgot!

 _He takes some coins out of his pocket and gives them to Henry._

Will: Your allowance. Remember to put some of it in savings.

 _Henry is very skeptical of the gold coins._

Henry: This isn't cursed, is it?

Will: I'd tell you that's utter nonsense… but we both know it's not. But no, it's not cursed.

Henry: Cool, thanks, Dad. I'll put this in my treasure chest for safekeeping, and one day I'll use it to fund my quest to find the Trident.

Will: Wait, no, that's not what I—

 _The Flying Dutchman sinks before Will can finish his protest. Henry floats to the surface and swims back to his rowboat._

Henry: I think we all know I'm definitely going to go looking for Jack Sparrow, and that it's going to end just about as well as that always does.

* * *

 **Stay tuned for more!**


	2. The Creepy Tunnel

**The Creepy Tunnel**

 _It's been 9 years to the day since Henry's little father-sun reunion on the Flying Dutchman._

 _A Royal Navy ship, the Monarch, is pursuing a pirate ship across the water, guns blazing. The captain of the Monarch (who I'll call Captain Shorty) is on the deck with one of his officers (I'm going to assume this guy is the First Mate.) Some Lieutenant (it doesn't really matter what his name is since he'll be dead soon, so it might as well be Lieutenant Sandwich) is below the deck, standing on a step-stool so he doesn't get his new boots wet, overseeing some grunt work._

Lieutenant Sandwich: Pump those bilges, or whatever. We're chasing pirates!

Random Sailor (Mr. MousePad): We know.

Lieutenant Sandwich: I just included that bit of exposition in case anyone was unsure.

 _Henry Turner is part of the crew, but he isn't helping with the pump. Instead he has a little compact mirror and is using it to look out at the ship they're chasing._

Mr. MousePad: Hey Henry, I hope we're not interrupting your sightseeing with our back-breaking manual labor over here.

Henry: Don't worry, you're not!

 _Henry pulls out a poster with the title "Cool Boats of the 18th Century" and compares it to the pirate ship in his mirror._

Henry: It's a Dutch ship, proabably stolen by the pirate Bonet.

Mr. MousePad: Cool, can your friend the pirate Bonet help us with this pump?

 _Henry completely ignores the Mr. MousePad and notices that the ship is heading towards a Creepy Tunnel. Henry recognizes the Creepy Tunnel, and not in a good way. He runs away from the little port-hole and tries to warn the Lieutenant._

Henry: Not to _rock the boat_ , but I have to speak to the captain!

 _Everyone groans._

Lieutenant Sandwich: I've warned you about the nautical puns, Turner. They're not welcome here.

Henry: You're way too uptight, man. I have to talk to the captain.

Lieutenant Sandwich: No way.

Henry: Make me.

Lieutenant Sandwich: What?

Henry: Sorry, I thought you were going to say something like, 'Stay away from the Captain' or 'Return to your post.'

 _Henry pushes past Lieutenant Sandwich, knocking him down into the standing water. Lieutenant Sandwich is distraught that his new boots are wet and ruined, but to be honest that's about to be the least of his worries. Henry makes it up to the deck just as Captain Shorty is making a bad decision._

First Mate: You see that Creepy Tunnel up ahead?

Captain Shorty: I didn't make Captain by not knowing a Creepy Tunnel when I see it.

First Mate: Well, it looks like the pirates are going in.

Captain Shorty: Then I guess we're going in after them.

Henry: That's the worst plan I've ever heard, sir. And I once tied a rock to my foot and jumped in the ocean to find the _Flying Dutchman._

First Mate: I beg your pardon?

Henry: The _Flying Dutchman_ , the ship that—

First Mate: No, I mean, you're not allowed to speak to the Captain.

Henry: Okay, well can you tell the Captain that if he would kindly consult his charts, he'll see that we're about to sail into the…

 _Henry stops, because the Captain is standing right next to the First Mate and obviously listening._

Henry: Guys, this is ridiculous. I can see the Captain right there and I know he can hear me. Captain, we're about to sail into the Devil's Triangle.

First Mate: Who hired this guy? What kind of nutcase actually believes in that nonsense?

 _Nearby, another lieutenant who I guess we'll call Lieutenant Window starts to raise his hand, then looks around and puts his hand back down when he realizes no other hands are going up. Now he's really self-conscious and pretends to be really interested in the book he was reading._

Henry: I know everything there is to know about myths and curses and legends. Ships that go in there don't usually come out.

 _Lieutenant Sandwich finally arrives. What he was doing that whole time is anybody's guess._

Lieutenant Sandwich: Sorry about him, he's clearly disturbed.

Henry: No, what's disturbing is that you're about to sail us into the Devil's Triangle.

Captain Shorty: That's just a creepy tunnel. We're going in.

Lieutenant Window: Actually, sir, we might want to reconsider. That crazy kid is Will Turner's son, and he might be crazy but the Turner boys tend to have good instincts.

First Mate: Who the heck is Will Turner?

Lieutenant Window: Didn't you do the required reading at Lieutenant School?

First Mate: First of all, I thought we agreed you weren't going to call it that. Second of all, what required reading?

 _Lieutenant Window_ _holds up the book he's been reading. It's old and water-damaged and half-destroyed, but you can still make out the title written on the cover: "The Diary of Lieutenant Captain Commodore/Admiral James Norrington."_

First Mate: Um, that wasn't required reading.

Lieutenant Window: It wasn't?

First Mate: No. It's actually a little weird that you've been reading that.

Lieutenant Window: There's some good stuff in here. But he does mention a William Turner, and it seems like the Turners have good instincts when it comes to these curses and such.

First Mate: There's no such thing as curses.

Henry: Famous last words.

Lieutenant Window: It also says that if you're thinking of sailing into something dangerous just to catch a pirate because you're trying to prove something or distract yourself from your personal life, it's probably going to end in disaster.

Henry: See? Listen to the diary!

Captain Shorty: I've let this go on long enough, because it was actually a little entertaining, but I think we both know you're going to be arrested now.

Henry: You'll have to catch me first!

 _Henry fakes left then dodges right and runs to the edge of the boat and makes a dive for the rigging. He scurries up to the crow's nest then grabs a rope and slides back down to the deck and makes a run for the stairs. He slides down the railing and runs past Mr. MousePad._

Mr. MousePad: Are you finally going to help?

 _Henry then runs down into the underbelly of the ship and hops from rib to rib careful not to lose his balance to the rocking of the boat. When he gets to the end he charges back up to the main deck when he realizes that no one is chasing him because he's on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Henry is finally captured by another lieutenant (those guys are everywhere) who we might as well call Lieutenant… Old-Reciepts, I guess._

 _Captain Shorty walks over to Henry._

Henry: Looks like I'm in _hot water_ , huh?

Captain Shorty: You know, I was going to let the treason slide, but the nautical puns are getting out of hand.

 _Captain Shorty tries to rip Henry's sleeves at the shoulders. He tugs on them once, then again, but the seams hold._

Captain Shorty: What's this made of, Kevlar? Does anybody have a seam ripper?

 _Of course Lieutenant Window does, and he is more than happy to provide it. The Captain takes it and painstakingly rips the seams on Henry's jacket so the sleeves are finally torn._

Captain Shorty: Lock him up. We're going into the Creepy Tunnel, which is nothing more than a Creepy Tunnel.

Henry: A Creepy Tunnel is never just a Creepy Tunnel.

 _Lieutenant Sandwich is super excited to oblige. It's been ages since he got to arrest someone, and Henry is his least favorite member of the crew. And that's saying something, because the First Mate stole his girlfriend back in college. He drags Henry down to the brig._

Lieutenant Sandwich: Sucks to suck, Turner.

 _He trips Henry and Henry falls into the cell. As he hits the ground all the papers and posters fall out of his pockets: his "Cool Boats of the 18th Century" poster, a poster about fancy hats, a tide chart, and about six of Jack Sparrow's wanted posters. Lieutenant Old-Reciepts locks the cell and leaves._

 _A random Old Dude is locked up in the cell next to Henry, and he notices the wanted posters._

Old Dude: What are you, Jack Sparrow's stalker?

Henry: I wouldn't say "stalker."

Old Dude: Well if you are, you're a little late. I heard he's dead, and buried in an unmarked grave on St. Martin.

Henry: St. Martin, you say?

 _The Monarch sails into the Creepy Tunnel. There is wreckage in the water, the remnants of the pirate ship they were chasing. A jolly roger floats in the water, which should have been the First Mate's first clue that they have just made a terrible mistake, but he's a bit thick so he just looks at it and thinks, "Huh, that's weird."_

 _Captain Shorty looks down at his charts and notices they've sailed into what is marked as a triangle of "Uncharted Waters." He folds up an old newspaper and places it strategically over the chart so nobody will notice that maybe Henry was right about the triangle._

Lieutenant Sandwich: Ship to starboard.

Lieutenant Window: More like ship- _wreck._

Captain Shorty: That was dangerously close to a nautical pun.

Lieutenant Window: Sorry.

 _While they're bickering over this nonsense, they fail to notice the creepy ghost pirates running towards them over the top of the water. The First Mate notices the shipwreck is moving._

First Mate: She's sailing towards us.

Lieutenant Window: Don't be ridiculous. A shipwreck can't sail.

 _Yeah, but ghost pirates can, and they will, and after they've done that, they'll attack. The crew of the Monarch fires cannons at the ghost ship, but it's no use. They're already getting destroyed by un-dead pirates. It would be a familiar scene if anyone but Lieutenant Window had bothered to read Norrington's diary._

 _Henry is down in the brig, hearing the chaos go down, and he wishes he could give a hearty "told ya so" to Lieutenant Sandwich. He can't, though, because he's locked up in the brig, and also because Lieutenant Sandwich has been dead for a solid 82 seconds by now._

 _And now we meet the One True Villain of this story, Captain Salazar. He is, of course, un-dead, because all the best villains are apparently un-dead in some way. Salazar lands on the deck with a dramatic thud and stomps his way over to Captain Shorty. It could be a trick of the acoustics in the Creepy Tunnel, but Captain Shorty swears he hears theme music following Salazar._

Captain Shorty: Is that theme music?

Salazar: Yes, and isn't it marvelous?

 _With one hand, Salazar picks up Captain Shorty by the neck and does his best impression of a force choke. The theme music intensifies. Captain Shorty notices Salazar has his free hand in his coat pocket. He sees Salazar adjusting the volume on a set of portable bluetooth speakers._

Captain Shorty: Did you… Did you bring your own theme music?

Salazar: You've seen too much.

 _Salazar kills Captain Shorty._

 _Down in the brig, Henry is trying to do the "half pin-barrel hinges" thing but doesn't get it quite right (that's what he gets for making fun of his dad's blacksmithing) and the door comes back down on his little toe. He shrieks in agony, which Salazar obviously hears._

Old Dude: Great, you've doomed us.

 _Salazar comes down to the brig, followed by about 19 ghost pirates. He finds Henry and the Old Dude and approaches the cells amidst a crescendo of theme music. His ghost cape flows behind him in the ghost wind. It's very impressive._

Old Dude: Don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like you can't decide whether you're trying to be Darth Vader, or Batman.

 _Salazar just legit kills the Old Dude, then takes an interest in Henry. He walks right up to the bars of the cell and pauses for a moment._

Salazar: Hey, kid, watch this.

 _Salazar spins around, whirling his cape in a circle, and thrusts himself through the bars. He's a ghost, so he has a better harness on quantum physics than the rest of us._

Salazar: Betcha didn't see that coming, did ya?

Henry: Can't say that I did.

 _Salazar notices the posters all over the floor and skewers one with his sword so he can pick it up to look at it. He studies the poster, then studies Henry's face, then looks at the poster again, squinting. He holds the poster up next to Henry's face and compares the two._

Henry: Are you comparing me to Jack Sparrow's wanted poster? I'm not Jack Sparrow, I'm just looking for him.

Salazar: No, I was trying to decide which of these would look best on you.

 _Turns out he's got the "Types of Hats" poster._

Salazar: But, I hear you're looking for Jack Sparrow.

Henry: Yeah, I just said that.

Salazar: It doesn't matter how I know. What matters is that Jack Sparrow and his special compass are the key to my release from the curse that's keeping me trapped in this Creepy Tunnel.

Henry: Have you tried just sailing out of here?

Salazar: Oh good golly, why didn't I think of that before? Oh, wait, I did.

 _The ghost crew snickers._

Henry: Just trying to help. I'm a bit new to the situation.

Salazar: I do have a job for you, though. Go find Jack Sparrow and tell him I hate him. I'm Captain Salazar, by the way. Tell him Captain Salazar hates his guts. He knows what he did.

Henry: Does this mean you're not going to kill me?

Salazar: Nah. I always let one man live so there's someone to tell the story of this place, keep the intrigue alive, you know.

Henry: So that's where the stories come from. I always heard there were no survivors from ships that sailed through here, and I could never figure out where the stories came from.

Salazar: But you'll deliver the message, right? I'd do it myself, but I'm dead. And, as we all know…

 _He looks directly into the camera and takes his sunglasses off_

Salazar: …dead men tell no tales.

 _The ghost crew cheers and exchanges high-fives all around._

Henry: Yeah, if you could unlock this cell for me. Can you do that, as a ghost? I'm kinda stuck here otherwise.

Salazar: I gotchu fam.

 _Salazar uses one of the arms of his sunglasses to pick the lock to the cell_ _, freeing Henry so that he can deliver Salazar's creepy message. Salazar still has the "Types of Hats" poster on his sword._

Salazar: Can I keep this?

Henry: I guess.

 _Salazar takes the poster and he and the ghosts vanish back to their ghost ship. Henry gathers up the rest of his posters and goes back up to the deck, which is like 93% on fire. He looks around for something that could be made into a raft and a set of oars, when he hears Lieutenant Window's last words:_

Lieutenant Window: The diary… Take the diary… It's yours now.

 _Lieutenant Window_ _dies, and Henry isn't one to refuse a man his last wish, so he picks up Norrington's diary and takes it with him._

Henry: Now, which way to St. Martin?

* * *

 **Like I said before, updates are coming but they may be slow! My brother and I are old (okay, we're in our 20s) but we've both got marriages and jobs and all sorts of boring adult stuff to do that sometimes keeps us from making parodies.**


	3. Miscellaneous Runaways

**Miscellaneous Runaways**

 _We have now arrived in St. Martin, where a young woman is wrongfully incarcerated. She is Carina, who will soon become the lady protagonist of this story. A member of the clergy walks up to the cell to speak to her._

Carina: Are you the Pope?

Clergy: Lady, I'm not even Catholic. But we're not here to talk about me. Let's talk about you, an orphan, accused of witchcraft.

Carina: As if the false accusation isn't enough, you just had to bring up the dead parents thing too, huh?

Clergy: We have to work the backstory in somewhere.

Carina: You suck at backstory. You left out the whole part about the diary my father left me, and about how I've survived on my own for this long searching for even more backstory than that. I'm really good at science and I'm sorry if that freaks you out, but it doesn't make me a witch.

 _The clergy shuffles through some papers which include the notes he was given about each of the prisoners._

Clergy: It says here that it does.

Carina: I have a riddle for you. Who has two hands, a mysterious diary, and picked this lock while you were looking at your notes?

Clergy: Oh, I know this one…!

 _Carina shoves the door open, knocking the Clergy over. His papers go everywhere. Carina runs away while the Clergy is trying to pick up all his papers._

Clergy: Those were alphabetized!

 _Carina could not care less so she just keeps running._

 _Outside, the whole town has gathered for the official ribbon cutting for the Royal Bank of St. Martin. The Mayor is standing up on a platform that was constructed just for him, for this occasion, and he is speaking to the crowd of people. The bank has a literal ribbon tied around it and a big red bow is tied in front._

Mayor: The dedication ceremony will commence as soon as I find my giant scissors.

 _Carina pokes her head around the corner of a building and sees that the Mayor's giant scissors are being stolen by Marty the midget. (She doesn't know who Marty is, but she can tell he's a midget.) She considers alerting the Mayor but decides she'd rather not give herself away and get arrested again. Also, she thinks the giant scissors are kind of hokey._

Mayor: Okay, so while my useless assistant Stanley is looking for the scissors he somehow managed to misplace, even though they're like four feet long and orange, let me tell you a bit about this bank.

 _Stanley isn't particularly pleased at being called out. He sees Marty stealing the scissors too, but he deliberately withholds the information just to spite the Mayor._

Mayor: This is a state-of-the-art banking facility, and the most secure institution in the Caribbean! Much more secure than the bank over at St. Thomas, where my cousin Ronald is mayor and thinks he's so cool.

 _Carina has been to St. Thomas so she knows the bank there is actually as terrible as the Mayor suggests, but she's also pretty sure the mayor of St. Thomas is named Kevin._

Mayor: The vault weighs an imperial ton, and the combination on the lock is forty-seven digits long, so it's basically impossible to crack.

 _Carina sees a bunch of soldiers chasing her and she runs away again._

Mayor: Stanley, where are my scissors?

Stanley: For all I know, maybe a midget took them.

Mayor: Okay, well, how am I going to unveil this bank without my giant scissors?

Random Man 1: When you say "unveil" I assume you mean it symbolically. You know we can all see it, right? I mean, it's a bank.

Mayor: It's a symbolic gesture, yes, but it's important, all right? We've got Jaques over there painting this scene for posterity and I really think the scissors should be in the painting.

Random Man 2: I've got a job interview in like twenty minutes, so can we move this along?

Mayor: Fine. We've got to have the crowd in the painting. Does anyone have any scissors? Or like a knife or sharp rock?

Random Man 1: I've got a seam ripper.

Mayor: I guess that will have to do.

 _Two random soldiers who have been chasing Carina, unsuccessfully, encounter their commanding officer (who I'll call Captian Gustav Mahogany). Captain Gustav Mahogany is not pleased with their job performance today._

Lieutenant Sheldon: Sorry, sir, she escaped, and she's really fast.

Captain Gustav Mahogany: Well if you don't find her, you'll be hanged in her place.

Lieutenant Broderick: I don't think that's legal.

Captain Gustav Mahogany: Who's going to stop me? You? You'll be dead.

Lieutenant Sheldon: He's got a really good point, man. We'd better go find her.

 _The lieutenants disperse to continue searching for Carina. Carina, meanwhile, is hiding in a bunch of straw in a cart letting a horse pull her around the town. The Mayor takes the seam ripper and painstakingly cuts through the ribbon around the bank._

Mayor: And now, without further ado, the most impenetrable fortress in the entire Caribbean. The entire universe, probably. It would take an army to rob gold from this bank.

 _He finally cuts the ribbon and opens the bank doors. It's all very impressive. Inside, there's the vault, as described, except the door is standing open and Jack Sparrow is inside the vault, passed out with a mostly-empty bottle of rum in his hand. There's no army in sight. (The rest of the pirates are around back where nobody can see them. And I wouldn't exactly call them an army.) Apparently it only takes one drunk pirate (and a few of his friends) to rob the bank._

Mayor: Pirate!

Jack: Where?

 _Jack is really confused by all the people gawking at him and he takes a moment to assess his surroundings._

Jack: I'm somehow drunk and hungover at the same time right now.

 _Back behind the bank, the pirates of Jack's crew have a giant rope, a cart, and 13 horses. Clearly they're plotting something piratey. Marty the midget is showing off the giant scissors he stole._

Gibbs: Are those scissors actually gigantic, or do they just look huge because you're so small?

Marty: I don't know, is that pocket watch small because you're too cheap to buy a bigger one?

Gibbs: There's no reason to be snippy. No pun intended.

 _That pun was totally intended, and everybody knows it._

 _Out front, the crowd (and Jack) are trying to make sense of the situation._

Mayor: What do you think you're doing in there?

Jack: Well, what does it look like?

 _Pause._

Jack: No, really, I'm asking, because I have no idea what I'm doing here. Am I the building inspector?

Mayor: If you are, you're fired for drinking on the job.

 _Jack notices the rum in his hand for the first time._

Jack: Oh, look, rum! This whole situation makes a little more sense now.

 _Out in front of the bank, someone has apparently summoned a bunch of soldiers and told them to get rid of the pirate. The redcoats make their formation and take aim with their long rifles. They're about to blow Jack away when a woman wakes up inside the vault and catches everyone's attention. The Mayor's useless assistant Stanely recognizes the woman just in time._

Stanley: Wait, guys, don't shoot that lady!

Mayor: Who cares? She's probably just a lady pirate. Shoot them both.

Stanley: Isn't that your wife?

Mayor: What? Where?

 _The Mayor puts his glasses on and squints._

Mayor: Francis?

 _Francis climbs out of the vault and awkwardly joins her husband._

Mayor: I thought you were at bingo night.

Francis: Well, I was, but things got a little crazy.

 _Jack finally figures out what he's doing in the bank vault._

Jack: Bingo! I remember! I'm robbing the bank.

 _Like, duh._

Mayor: Shoot him!

 _The guys in the red coats are more than happy to oblige. They open fire, and Jack hits the metaphorical deck. Out back, the pirates are all sitting in the cart behind the 13 horses with Gibbs at the reins. The horses take off until the rope pulls tight, dragging the vault towards the back wall of the bank. The wooden wall creaks against the strain, and then the whole bank begins to move. Yeah, the whole bank. Building and all. Those 13 horses must have eaten their Wheaties this morning._

 _Jack notices what's happening. He reaches for his hat as he's laying on the floor of the bank._

Jack: Okay, so I guess we're improvising a bit. Which is fine. That's fine. I'm definitely not going to yell at anyone later about why it's important to stick to the plan.

 _The pirates were apparently really bad at estimating the amount of rope they were going to need and drastically overestimated, because a random coil of rope is available to wrap itself around Jack's foot. The bank takes off behind the horses, and Jack gets pulled behind the bank, still holding his bottle of rum. As the bank is dragged through the streets, gold is falling out of the open vault and landing randomly in the streets. People from the town come out to collect it._

 _The pirates are panicking just a little bit because this was not part of the plan, and it's very hard to be inconspicuous while they're towing an entire building. They have to take an alternate route back to their ship. Gibbs puts Scrum in charge of the map._

Scrum: Left! Go left! Okay, now go right!

Gibbs: We've already been this way. What are you doing back there?

Scrum: Sorry, I got a bit turned around.

 _He squints at the map, turns it one way, and then the other way, and then looks around at their surroundings._

Scrum: Okay, if the bank is behind us, that means—

Gibbs: You can't use the bank as a landmark! We're towing it! It's always going to be behind us!

Scrum: Oh, okay, right. That's a really good point. Let's see… Now we should be coming up on Gerard's house…

 _Scrum shouts to a random bystander._

Scrum: Hey! Are you Gerard?

Gerard: Yeah.

Scrum: Great, thanks! Okay, go left here!

Gibbs: Wait, are you serious? What are the odds the first random bystander you saw would be Gerard?

Marty: Well, given that the population of St. Martin is roughly—

Gibbs: Stop ruining my rhetorical questions with your science!

Marty: I didn't. You didn't even let me get to the science.

 _The 13 horses make a sharp left, pulling the bank behind them, and towing Jack behind the bank._

 _Meanwhile, Carina is still making her escape. She comes to a building with a sign on its door that says "NO DOGS, NO WOMEN." If Carina's mind wasn't made up to go through that door before, it is now, and she goes inside. There's a large telescope in the middle of the room, and Carina looks through it._

 _As Carina is looking at outer space, an astronomer guy comes into the room and is incredibly startled to see her. For a moment, this poor guy is at a loss for words because he knows all about the "NO WOMEN" sign on the front door. When he finally puts a sentence together, it's 6 words of pure gold that could not possibly be improved upon:_

Astronomer: No woman's ever handled my Herschel!

 _Carina has no response to that._

 _Outside, the 13 horses are still pulling the bank (and Jack) through the town. Jack manages to get his bearings enough to climb on top of the bank so he isn't being dragged across the ground. The bank rounds another corner and a bunch of miscellaneous townspeople dive out of the way. All except for the Mayor's assistant Stanley. He chases the bank down the street._

Stanley: Wait! Take me with you!

Gibbs: What? Why? Who are you?

Stanley: I'm Stan!

Gibbs: Oh, well in that case, hop on.

 _Stanley jumps into the cart, which startles the horses into taking an unexpected sharp right turn. The bank tips sideways, throwing Jack off into the street and leaving him behind._

 _Back in the astronomy shop, Carina tries to deflect the awkwardness with some science._

Carina: You know this was pointing at the hat shop across the street? I fixed it for you.

Astronomer: Witch!

 _Carina rolls her eyes._

Carina: Why do you always people go right to the witch thing? Why can't I just be a woman who knows a blood moon is coming and just wants to purchase a chronometer?

Astronomer: That's a bit far-fetched.

Carina: You should appreciate the fact that I didn't just steal it. And I'll even pay double since I'm a woman.

Astronomer: Where did you get that kind of money?

Carina: I stole it.

 _Jack staggers into the astronomer shop completely at random._

Jack: Aha! It's the moment you've all been waiting for. Now you can tell all your friends about the day you met the lengendary Captain Jack—

Astronomer: Help! The witch summoned a pirate to my shop!

Jack: Oh, a witch! Even better! Maybe together the six of us can find the bank I've accidentally misplaced.

Astronomer: Six?

Carina: Yeah, he's drunk. He's seeing double.

Astronomer: He's seeing himself twice?

 _The bank crashes into the telescope that's poking out the window and rips the wall off the astronomer shop. Carina and Jack take advantage of the distraction and run out of the shop._

Carina: For the record, I'm not a witch!

Jack: To be honest, it really doesn't matter to me, but are you sure you don't want to lean into the witch thing? Could be great for intimidating the small-minded.

Carina: I don't want to cause any trouble.

Jack: But it's so much fun! Did I ever tell you the story of—

Carina: We literally just met.

 _They run off to hide. Lieutenants Sheldon and Broderick come around the corner because they could have sworn they heard someone yelling about witches and pirates in this general area, but there are no pirates or witches to be found._

 _Jack and Carina are hiding on the roof, watching the lieutenants searching for them._

Carina: It's only a matter of time before they think to look up here.

Jack: Okay, I have a plan. But you're going to have to scream.

 _Carina does so accordingly, not because she thinks it's a good plan, or even a plan that makes sense, and not because she takes orders from pirates, but because Jack throws her off the roof and it's an involuntary reaction to sudden terror. She lands safely on a pile of hay in the back of a cart which causes quite the diversion. The lieutenants fire their rifles at Carina, and Jack runs in the opposite direction._

* * *

 **Welcome back! We are still working on this, I promise! This section ends at a weird spot because it was getting long and cumbersome. Stay tuned!**


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